The Adventures of Pizza Boy and Maggie: Meeting Brooke   1 comment

Emily: Okay, so, we’re agreed then, the tank is about fifteen feet wide. The water is I’m going to say three feet deep. I think any more and the grizzly won’t be able to move, and any less and the shark isn’t going to be able to swim. It’s a small shark.
Maggie: I still don’t see why it can’t be a polar bear.
Emily: Because it doesn’t matter.
Maggie: No, because polar bears can swim.
Emily: What?
Maggie: Yes.
Emily: No.
Maggie: You showed me, remember, you showed me that video of the polar bear that swam for thousands of miles.
Emily: And then it died!
Maggie: Of starvation! Because we’re killing it!
Emily: Fine. It can be a polar grizzly mix. Those exist.
Maggie: If it doesn’t really matter, then it could be a squid.
Emily: Octosquid!
Maggie: No, a squid, a giant squid, and they can have an epic grapple fight underwater.
Emily: Grapple fight? I hate grapple fights! There’s so many rules.
Maggie: No, it’s just a simple strength test.
Emily: No, there’s dexterity and endurance and-
Maggie: It’s all just strength! How long can you hold on? This isn’t D and D anyway, this is all hypothetical! So you can have this giant shark and this giant squid-
Emily: This is land versus water!
Maggie: Hear me out, so this giant squid and this giant shark are grappling under water, teeth are gnashing…wait, isn’t trivia night in half an hour? How are we getting to trivia night, anyway?
Emily: Oh, Brooke is driving us.
Maggie: Brooke?
Emily: Yeah, Brooke. From my poetry class, remember?
Maggie: Oh, I remember.
Emily: What’s wrong with Brooke? She’s awesome. And she’s smart. And she took History of Sports last semester, so we might actually have a chance of winning this week.
Maggie: She’s just so negative.
Emily: She’s just so negative?
Maggie: She’s just so negative. (at Emily’s look) What?
Emily: I just think you two have a lot in common and she would make a great addition to our group of friends which right now is just the two of us. Just give her a chance.

Maggie sighs.

Emily: Think of the gift card. Think of the fried pickle chips. You love fried pickle chips.

Maggie does love fried pickle chips. But she hates Brooke more than she likes fried pickle chips.

Maggie: Maybe I should just stay home. I have a lot of homework to do. I have to write a paper on Appalachian English, and I haven’t even organized my notes, much less made an outline.
Emily: But you have notes. You spent all night yesterday getting notes. That’s probably more than what most people have.

Emily gets a text message.

Emily: Oh, it’s Brooke. She apologizes for running late (Brooke is not running late and Emily’s reading of the line should indicate that) and she’ll be here in just a few minutes. Cool. (I’ll) Grab your coat, lady?
Maggie: No. I don’t want to go.

Emily is not pleased. Maggie is in the wrong here. She is being immature. But Maggie is afraid of change, and Emily is too happy-go-lucky to confront her.

Emily: I’ll cover for you. But I’m not always going to be able to save you.
Maggie: I know.

Brooke enters, looking stressed and afraid.

Emily: Brooke! Hey, bad news… (sees Brooke’s face) What’s wrong?
Brooke: I just got mugged.
Emily: Oh my god, what happened?
Brooke: This is the second time this week. I think it was the same people, too.
Emily: Oh my god, are you okay?
Maggie: It was the same people?
Brooke: I was just walking to your building to pick you up and they just jumped out of nowhere and she kinda (pretend slaps Emily)and then he grabbed my purse!
Maggie: Did you get a good look at them? Did you call the police?
Brooke: What would be the point? If I reported it, they wouldn’t try to find them. It’s bad publicity if a crime happens on campus so the college would just suppress the report and it wouldn’t go anywhere and I’m just a college kid anyway, I only had like $43 on my card. How am I going to buy a new ID? Do replacement driver’s licenses cost money?
Emily (to Maggie, who actually has a driver’s license, just not a car): Do they cost money?
Maggie: Are you from out of state?
Brooke: Yes! I wish my parents were here. No I don’t, they would yell at me for being so stupid as to get mugged. I’m never going to see that money again. I don’t want to go anywhere ever again. I hate everything.
Emily: We don’t have to go anywhere. We can just order in. We’ll order a pizza. Maggie’s treat.

Maggie glares at Emily.

Brooke: Even my own friends pity me! I am just a failure at life.

Maggie’s glare intensifies.

Emily: Who would win in a fight, a shark or a bear?
Brooke: Who cares? Life is meaningless.

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One response to “The Adventures of Pizza Boy and Maggie: Meeting Brooke

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  1. I like this. It’s a funny absurd slice of life – I think it’s even better without the context of why they are planning a supervillain-type animal cage-fighting arena.. And growler bears / pizzlies do totally exist and they’re scary.

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