Pizza Boy and Maggie: A team-up of less-epic-than-expected proportions   Leave a comment

[Note: this scene is directly after the death of Pizza Boy]

A random street. Valedictorian and Robster are walking around, looking no worse for the wear.

Valedictorian: With the Pizza Boy gone, we can proceed with our plans unencumbered. I can run Amok!
Robster: We can run amok.
Valedictorian: No, I can. (Holds out a USB stick) Amok is the virus I’ve developed to target the personal information of everyone on Facebook.
Robster: Why?
Valedictorian: Why not?
Robster: It’s brilliant.
Valedictorian: Thank you, Robert.

Robster kisses her.

Valedictorian: Now, to find an anonymous internet source to upload our deadly virus.
Robster: There’s an internet cafe.
Valedictorian: No, they take your information.
Robster: There’s a Best Buy.
Valedictorian: They would notice if broke their computer restrictions.
Robster: There’s a McDonald’s.
Valedictorian: Brilliant! All we need is a laptop.
Robster: Where’s yours?
Valedictorian: I use a desktop.
Robster: But there’s no tower.
Valedictorian: It’s all in the monitor. Very fancy.
Robster: Yeah, but can’t bring a monitor into a McDonald’s, that would look ridiculous.

A Random Lady enters carrying a purse and talking on her phone.

Lady: The oxford comma is a crucial element to making your point clear, Miranda. The comma’s placement is an indicator–

Robster steals the purse.

Valedictorian: We run amok!
Robster: Haha!

They exit.

Lady: I’ll call you back, I have to order a pizza.

She hangs up and dials Cheezy Pizza.

Manager: Cheezy Pizza, pick-up or delivery?
Lady: Delivery.
Manager: What’s your order, ma’am.
Lady: My purse was just stolen.
Manager: We are zeroing in on your location now, ma’am. Would you like to order a pizza while you wait?
Lady: Do you have spinach as a topping?
Manager: We do.
Lady: And mozzarella? Like fresh mozzarella, not shredded.
Manager: Uh…yes! We do!
Lady: I’d like a small with spinach and mozzarella. Wait, how am I going to pay for this?
Manager: Don’t you have an account with us?
Lady: No, I’m very concerned about identity theft. So if you could hurry…
Manager: I suppose you could pay cash.
Lady They’ve probably stolen it by now. And the credit cards.
Manager: Oh. Well. We’re still sending someone to help, don’t worry about that. I just don’t think I can sell you a pizza.
Lady: This isn’t a very good system. I imagine most of your orders are for stolen purses.
Manager: Not really, ma’am, but I understand your concern.

Brooke enters.

Lady: Your delivery driver uniforms have changed dramatically.
Manager: No, she’s not there yet. No! That’s girl can’t help you! Don’t-

But the Lady hangs up on the Manager.

Brooke: I heard you talking on the phone about your purse being stolen. Who did it?
Lady: I’m not sure. It was a guy with a lobster on his shirt, and-
Brooke: And a girl wearing a graduation gown?
Lady: Yes.
Brooke: Robster and the Valedictorian! My arch-nemeses. They’re the reason I got into this business, you know. No one every listens or cares about your problems, even when your purse is stolen and you have to go through all the trouble of canceling your credit cards and finding new cash, and you never get that cash back, you know? But everyone is too caught up in their own problems to care about how your day is absolutely ruined.
Lady: Yes, and…
Brooke: But I will listen. I will…what’s that line?
Lady: The line?

Maggie enters, dressed as the Pizza Girl, carrying the Random Lady’s purse.

Brooke: The line from that movie. The bad one. Anyway, I’m going after the Valedictorian.
Lady: I’m going to complain to your manager.
Maggie: Excuse me, ma’am? Did you order a pizza?
Lady: Oh, yes!
Maggie: Hi, I’m the Pizza Girl. I’m new. Is this your purse?
Lady (taking the purse): Yes it is! Oh, you found it!
Maggie: I found the wallet as well, but unfortunately they took all the important things. Credit cards, cash. (takes a business card out of her pocket) Here, just in case you don’t have the numbers on-hand, here are all the customer service numbers for all the major credit card companies. Are you feeling alright?
Lady: Yes, I’m fine. Why? Do I look bad?
Maggie: No, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I can walk you to your destination if you need.
Lady: No, no, I – look, they didn’t take my car keys! I should be fine. Thank you so much.
Maggie: I know how you feel. I’ve been in…a similar situation before. You can feel free to call our phone number if you ever feel uncertain. I’ve only been doing this job for two days, and most of my jobs have been escorting people home.
Lady: I feel better already. Thank you so much (reads her nametag) Maggie.
Maggie: You have a good day, ma’am.
Lady: You too. Thank you!

Lady exits.

Brooke: Alright, Maggie! You and me, we’ll track down the Valedictorian and Robster together!
Maggie: What, why?
Brooke: We’re superheroes, that’s what we do! We’ll dole out some justice (punches the air)
Maggie: But justice has been served. She got her purse back.
Brooke: That’s not how justice works.
Maggie: She left happy. Maybe not happy, but you know what I mean.
Brooke: No, no, this needs to stop! This isn’t working. Good can’t just keep coming in and mopping up after Evil has done its work. Good is more than just “not evil.” Good isn’t just reactive. It should be proactive. It should stop Evil before it starts.
Maggie: Do you know where they went?
Brooke: No. That’s why we track them! We’ll start by looking in the place where you found the purse and then fan out from there.
Maggie: I…I wasn’t trained for this.
Brooke: Come on!
Maggie: I don’t see any reason why not.

We are taking full advantage of the space we have and they continue this conversation into the audience, looking around.

Maggie: So this is where I found the purse.

There is trash there.

Brooke: Ewwww.
Maggie: Yeah, he tried to hide it among the trash.
Brooke: Why did you look there?
Maggie: My purse was stolen when I was visiting Baltimore Harbor a few years back, we found it in a dumpster right next to the parking lot. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to look here before checking in with the customer.
Brooke: The victim!
Maggie: The person. Who took the purse, by the way? Did you ask?
Brooke: The Valedictorian and Robster.
Maggie: Oh. Why were they stealing purses?
Brooke: It’s what they do!
Maggie: I thought they were into kidnapping?
Brooke: They’ve stolen my purse dozens of times.
Maggie: Really? Dozens?
Brooke: Yes!

She is not exaggerating.

Maggie: Wow.
Brooke: And it’s very disruptive, when your purse is always getting stolen! I even tried getting a new purse, but no!
Maggie: Did you ever try getting one of those wallets that just clips onto your belt?
Brooke: I’m sure they would have just taken it right off my belt.
Maggie: Or maybe gotten something that hides under your shirt.
Brooke: That would be paranoid.
Maggie: Okay. Where are we going, anyway? I feel like we’re just walking in circles.
Brooke: I don’t know.
Maggie: Alright. Well. There’s only two ways they could have gone, so, you go that way, and I’ll go this way. We’ll ask around, see if anyone has seen them. They’re a distinctive set, they’ll be noticed. We’ll meet back here in, say, 20 minutes? Or do you have your cell phone on you?

Brooke takes out her cell phone.

Maggie: Okay, awesome, let’s just exchange numbers then, and give each other a call if we find anything.

They exchange phones and start entering their information into each other’s contacts.

Brooke: This way we won’t have to double back.
Maggie: Exactly.

They give their phones back to each other.

Brooke: I’ll see you soon then.
Maggie: See you soon.

They separate.

Maggie (to herself): Okay, where’s a good place to get lunch?

Maggie exits.

Brooke walks among the audience, asking them if they’ve seen the Valedictorian and Robster. She then exits, based either on what they have to say or she exits of her own accord.


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