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Depression is an actual illness. I know this, because I am depressed. I know how cyclical it is. March is always the worst month. I can compare it to the other times of the year that I relapse. I know how it goes. March is always terrible.

Last March wasn’t so bad. I had things to do. I would just come home from doing them and then cry under my covers for a few hours and then fall asleep. This March, I can’t seem to get out of bed. I got home early today, and then I tried my hardest to be a functioning adult. James helped. I even went out to try to get a haircut. But I had to make an appointment instead. And all the effort of functioning, I just got worn out. I got home and collapsed into bed. All my nerve endings were telling my brain that I was exhausted, but lying down provided no relief. But I didn’t want to move. James had to make me get out of bed again.

And then, an hour later, it was all gone. I felt fine again. The thought of eating made me sick to my stomach, but I had no trouble walking around and making faces at the mirror (this is how I spend 80% of my alone time). I did eventually eat some mac & cheese and watch Samurai Jack. Then I started writing.

It was like…when you’re sick with a really bad cold, sometimes you just have a coughing fit or a sneezing fit or you just have to lie down and take a nap. And then it passes, and you’re able to function almost normally for a little while. Depression is really an illness. When your stomach produces too much acid, you have acid reflux disease. When your kidneys make too much calcium, you get kidney stones. When your body produces too many white blood cells, you have leukemia. When your body doesn’t produce enough serotonin, you become depressed.

I mean, that’s oversimplifying things a bit. I am way under-socialized and overstressed at my job. That is probably the cause of my negative introspection that is causing my seratonin production to go on the spritz. But it’s also cyclical. It’s kind of a relief, to finally get that this isn’t a failing on my part, but just a symptom of an illness.

I made some changes to my health insurance coverage, so I can’t seek treatment until April. If previous years are anything to go by, I should be feeling better by mid-April anyway. Of course, I still have to deal with the fact that I can’t get out of bed.


Posted March 17, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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