Archive for March 2015

So what else is new   Leave a comment

Depression is an actual illness. I know this, because I am depressed. I know how cyclical it is. March is always the worst month. I can compare it to the other times of the year that I relapse. I know how it goes. March is always terrible.

Last March wasn’t so bad. I had things to do. I would just come home from doing them and then cry under my covers for a few hours and then fall asleep. This March, I can’t seem to get out of bed. I got home early today, and then I tried my hardest to be a functioning adult. James helped. I even went out to try to get a haircut. But I had to make an appointment instead. And all the effort of functioning, I just got worn out. I got home and collapsed into bed. All my nerve endings were telling my brain that I was exhausted, but lying down provided no relief. But I didn’t want to move. James had to make me get out of bed again.

And then, an hour later, it was all gone. I felt fine again. The thought of eating made me sick to my stomach, but I had no trouble walking around and making faces at the mirror (this is how I spend 80% of my alone time). I did eventually eat some mac & cheese and watch Samurai Jack. Then I started writing.

It was like…when you’re sick with a really bad cold, sometimes you just have a coughing fit or a sneezing fit or you just have to lie down and take a nap. And then it passes, and you’re able to function almost normally for a little while. Depression is really an illness. When your stomach produces too much acid, you have acid reflux disease. When your kidneys make too much calcium, you get kidney stones. When your body produces too many white blood cells, you have leukemia. When your body doesn’t produce enough serotonin, you become depressed.

I mean, that’s oversimplifying things a bit. I am way under-socialized and overstressed at my job. That is probably the cause of my negative introspection that is causing my seratonin production to go on the spritz. But it’s also cyclical. It’s kind of a relief, to finally get that this isn’t a failing on my part, but just a symptom of an illness.

I made some changes to my health insurance coverage, so I can’t seek treatment until April. If previous years are anything to go by, I should be feeling better by mid-April anyway. Of course, I still have to deal with the fact that I can’t get out of bed.

Posted March 17, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

Tagged with

Pizza Boy and Maggie: the exciting conclusion to the team-up   Leave a comment

At Burger Down Under, an Australian-themed cheap burger joint. Valedictorian is working on a new laptop. Robster is watching her, but he is bored. There are other people sitting at the restaurant: specifically, Kurt is sitting at one table, looking at his cell phone and eating, and two policemen are sitting out of Valedictorian and Robster’s sight.

Robster: This seems weird.
Valedictorian: This won’t take much time.
Robster: But we’re here without buying anything. Isn’t that weird? People come here to eat. Well, they come inside to eat.
Valedictorian: You just want a burger.
Robster: Yes, a Queensland Burger with some Great Sandy Fries. Do you want anything?
Valedictorian: A Victorian Shake. And curly fries.
Robster: You can just share some of my fries.
Valedictorian: I don’t share.
Robster: Ashley…
Valedictorian: I don’t like the extra spices on the Sandy fries. Who eats food called Sandy anyway? What were they thinking?
Robster: That they’re delicious. I’ll be back soon.

He kisses her cheek and exits. Valedictorian works at the laptop silently. Maggie enters, with a bag of food and a soda. She stops and looks at the Valedictorian. She visibly tries to decide if she should approach her or not. A decision is weighed and measured. Then she sighs and approaches the Valedictorian.

Maggie: Oh hey Valedictorian, what are you doing?
Valedictorian: I’m almost there. (she registers who is speaking) Pizza…Girl. My, how you’ve grown. I’m checking my Facebook while my boyfriend buys lunch.
Maggie: Oh.
Valedictorian: Does that defy your expectations? Did you assume that we were constantly committing some crime? That our every waking minute was spent writhing in pure illegality?
Maggie: No.
Valedictorian: Hmf.
Maggie: You just don’t strike me as the kind of person who has a Facebook account.
Valedictorian: Well I do. Facebook is wonderful! You can catch up with all your friends, old and new. See what they’re doing. See what they’re interested in. See where they go, when they’re they’re not at home, where they might live, their favorite activities, their birthday, their anniversaries, their job, their potential income, old addresses, the names of their children and pets, events they attend, what they had for lunch. You see, this is called data, and everyone uses the same data to create things. Identities. Passwords. The same thing that attracts marketers to the gold mine of demographic information is the very same thing that attracts bad people, bad people like me. I can use this information and can become more powerful than anyone ever imagined. Imagine I could hack into your Facebook account and see that your brother is in Nairobi and that your Uncle’s cat is named Marty McFly. (That is, indeed, where Maggie’ brother is and her uncle’s cat is indeed Marty McFly) Now imagine that you are very stupid, which shouldn’t be very hard. Stupid people have bad memories. They use the same passwords over and over and over again. Maybe you think you’re smart, and you rotate through six different passwords. But you still need to remember those passwords. You grab them from little memorable bits of your life. Your Uncle’s cat is Marty McFly, and his bank is First Commonwealth, and he was born May 12, 1962 and graduated from Portland State University on May 28, 1984. And imagine that, his password is HeyMcFly056284. I can do that for anyone, at any time, using only the information on their Facebook page, which I am now free to peruse thanks to my little virus that allows me to run amok through the channels of whatever website I choose to upload it.

Robster enters with food and sits down, distributing food between the two of them. Maggie has not moved this entire time. Valedictorian continues uninterrupted. Everyone is listening to her now.

Valedictorian: No one checks their bank account every day. No one will notice if one or two dollars goes missing. Most thieves make a mistake. They do one or two dollars, just to see if the system works, and then they make a giant purchase. Something noticeable. But I am patient. I have access to millions of people’s information. I will use it to my ends. You’re very clever, getting me to reveal all of this. But no matter. There’s nothing anyone can do about it anyway.

The two police officers stand up.

First Police Officer: That sounded like a confession to me.
Second Police Officer: We might need to continue this conversation elsewhere.
Robster: But the fries just came out of the fryer.

Brooke enters.

Valedictorian (to Maggie): You set this all up, didn’t you? You clever bitch.
First Police Officer: We can take it from here.

The Police Officers handcuff Valedictorian and Robster. Robster continues protesting about leaving the fries behind.

Second Police Officer: Great work, Pizza Girl. I wish we had more heroes like you in the city.

The police officers lead Valedictorian and Robster offstage. They nearly run into Brooke, who has to step aside to let them by.

Brooke: I can’t believe it. I thought you were going to call me if you found something. I thought we were a team. I guess there’s only room for one hero in this town.

Brooke exits. Maggie continues to just stand in the same place as before.

Kurt picks up his phone and dials. He picks up one of Robster’s fries, gives a small wave to Maggie, and exits.

Pizza Boy and Maggie: Rewritten team-up   Leave a comment

Lady: Your delivery driver uniforms have changed dramatically.
Manager: No, she’s not there yet. No! That’s girl can’t help you! Don’t-

But the Lady hangs up on the Manager.

Brooke: I heard you talking on the phone about your purse being stolen. Who did it?
Lady: I’m not sure. It was a guy with a lobster on his shirt, and-
Brooke: And a girl wearing a graduation gown?
Lady: Yes.
Brooke: Robster and the Valedictorian! My arch-nemeses. They’re the reason I got into this business, you know. No one every listens or cares about your problems, even when your purse is stolen and you have to go through all the trouble of canceling your credit cards and finding new cash, and you never get that cash back, you know? But everyone is too caught up in their own problems to care about how your day is absolutely ruined.
Lady: Yes, and…
Brooke: But I will listen. I will…what’s that line?
Lady: The line?

Maggie enters, dressed as the Pizza Girl, carrying the Random Lady’s purse.

Brooke: The line from that movie. The bad one. Anyway, I’m going after the Valedictorian.
Lady: I’m going to complain to your manager.
Maggie: Excuse me, ma’am? Did you order a pizza?
Lady: Oh, yes!
Maggie: Hi, I’m the Pizza Girl. I’m new. Is this your purse?
Lady (taking the purse): Yes it is! Oh, you found it!
Maggie: I found the wallet as well, but unfortunately they took all the important things. Credit cards, cash. (takes a business card out of her pocket — or a pizza box?) Here, just in case you don’t have the numbers on-hand, here are all the customer service numbers for all the major credit card companies. Are you feeling alright?
Lady: Yes, I’m fine. Why? Do I look bad?
Maggie: No, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I can walk you to your destination if you need.
Lady: No, no, I – look, they didn’t take my car keys! I should be fine. Thank you so much.
Maggie: I know how you feel. I’ve been in…a similar situation before. You can feel free to call our phone number if you ever feel uncertain. I’ve only been doing this job for two days, and most of my jobs have been escorting people home.
Lady: I feel better already. Thank you so much (reads her nametag) Maggie.
Maggie: You have a good day, ma’am.
Lady: You too. Thank you!

Lady exits.

Maggie: Hey, Proserpina.
Brooke: Prosperina! Queen of the Underworld.
Maggie: I thought it was Proserpina.
Brooke: Maybe in Greek, but in Rome, it’s Prosperina.
Maggie (who is correct): Oh.
Brooke: So. You must be the new girl. Pizza Girl.
Maggie: Yeah, that’s me. This is my third day on the job. I’m still pretty new at this.
Brooke: Alright, Maggie! You and me, we’ll track down the Valedictorian and Robster together!
Maggie: What, why?
Brooke: Okay! Where did you leave the Valedictorian and Robster tied up?
Maggie: Who?
Brooke: The purse thieves. You captured them, right? You didn’t capture them?
Maggie: No, they were long gone. I found the purse in an alleyway.
Brooke: It’s like my mother always said: a job half-done is not done at all.
Maggie: She got her purse back, and she’ll be able to notify the credit card companies right away that her card was stolen. Not too much damage done.
Brooke: This isn’t about damage control. We’re superheroes. We’re the Good Guys. We’re not reactive. We’re proactive.
Maggie: Do you know where they went?
Brooke: No. That’s why we track them! We’ll start by looking in the place where you found the purse and then fan out from there.
Maggie: I…I wasn’t trained for this.
Brooke: Come on!
Maggie: I don’t see any reason why not.

We are taking full advantage of the space we have and they continue this conversation into the audience, looking around.

Maggie: So this is where I found the purse.

There is trash there.

Brooke: Ewwww.
Maggie: Yeah, he tried to hide it among the trash.
Brooke: Why did you look there?
Maggie: My purse was stolen when I was visiting Baltimore Harbor a few years back, we found it in a dumpster right next to the parking lot. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to look here before checking in with the customer.
Brooke: The victim!
Maggie: The person. Who took the purse, by the way? Did you ask?
Brooke: The Valedictorian and Robster.
Maggie: Oh. Why were they stealing purses?
Brooke: It’s what they do!
Maggie: I thought they were into kidnapping?
Brooke: They’ve stolen my purse dozens of times.
Maggie: Really? Dozens?
Brooke: Yes!

She is not exaggerating.

Maggie: Wow.
Brooke: I thought that I should fight back against those bullies. That’s the only way they’ll stop.
Maggie: So I’ve heard. There’s two directions to go though. I’m thinking don’t split the party, so which way do you think they went?
Brooke: That way is a Best Buy and that way is a Burgers Down Under…why don’t you go that way (indicates the direction towards Burgers Down Under) and I’ll go that way (towards the Best Buy). That way we can cover more ground in less time.
Maggie: Okay.

They turn away and both giggle.

Brooke: They must have gone to Best Buy to buy expensive things with their stolen credit card! I’ll catch them by myself, and then everyone will know I’m the best superhero!
Maggie: I can get lunch while pretending to do serious superhero work! Oh no, I’m sorry, Proserpina, they weren’t anywhere to be found in the restaurant! I checked thoroughly. I think I’ll get curly fries.

Pizza Boy and Maggie: A team-up of less-epic-than-expected proportions   Leave a comment

[Note: this scene is directly after the death of Pizza Boy]

A random street. Valedictorian and Robster are walking around, looking no worse for the wear.

Valedictorian: With the Pizza Boy gone, we can proceed with our plans unencumbered. I can run Amok!
Robster: We can run amok.
Valedictorian: No, I can. (Holds out a USB stick) Amok is the virus I’ve developed to target the personal information of everyone on Facebook.
Robster: Why?
Valedictorian: Why not?
Robster: It’s brilliant.
Valedictorian: Thank you, Robert.

Robster kisses her.

Valedictorian: Now, to find an anonymous internet source to upload our deadly virus.
Robster: There’s an internet cafe.
Valedictorian: No, they take your information.
Robster: There’s a Best Buy.
Valedictorian: They would notice if broke their computer restrictions.
Robster: There’s a McDonald’s.
Valedictorian: Brilliant! All we need is a laptop.
Robster: Where’s yours?
Valedictorian: I use a desktop.
Robster: But there’s no tower.
Valedictorian: It’s all in the monitor. Very fancy.
Robster: Yeah, but can’t bring a monitor into a McDonald’s, that would look ridiculous.

A Random Lady enters carrying a purse and talking on her phone.

Lady: The oxford comma is a crucial element to making your point clear, Miranda. The comma’s placement is an indicator–

Robster steals the purse.

Valedictorian: We run amok!
Robster: Haha!

They exit.

Lady: I’ll call you back, I have to order a pizza.

She hangs up and dials Cheezy Pizza.

Manager: Cheezy Pizza, pick-up or delivery?
Lady: Delivery.
Manager: What’s your order, ma’am.
Lady: My purse was just stolen.
Manager: We are zeroing in on your location now, ma’am. Would you like to order a pizza while you wait?
Lady: Do you have spinach as a topping?
Manager: We do.
Lady: And mozzarella? Like fresh mozzarella, not shredded.
Manager: Uh…yes! We do!
Lady: I’d like a small with spinach and mozzarella. Wait, how am I going to pay for this?
Manager: Don’t you have an account with us?
Lady: No, I’m very concerned about identity theft. So if you could hurry…
Manager: I suppose you could pay cash.
Lady They’ve probably stolen it by now. And the credit cards.
Manager: Oh. Well. We’re still sending someone to help, don’t worry about that. I just don’t think I can sell you a pizza.
Lady: This isn’t a very good system. I imagine most of your orders are for stolen purses.
Manager: Not really, ma’am, but I understand your concern.

Brooke enters.

Lady: Your delivery driver uniforms have changed dramatically.
Manager: No, she’s not there yet. No! That’s girl can’t help you! Don’t-

But the Lady hangs up on the Manager.

Brooke: I heard you talking on the phone about your purse being stolen. Who did it?
Lady: I’m not sure. It was a guy with a lobster on his shirt, and-
Brooke: And a girl wearing a graduation gown?
Lady: Yes.
Brooke: Robster and the Valedictorian! My arch-nemeses. They’re the reason I got into this business, you know. No one every listens or cares about your problems, even when your purse is stolen and you have to go through all the trouble of canceling your credit cards and finding new cash, and you never get that cash back, you know? But everyone is too caught up in their own problems to care about how your day is absolutely ruined.
Lady: Yes, and…
Brooke: But I will listen. I will…what’s that line?
Lady: The line?

Maggie enters, dressed as the Pizza Girl, carrying the Random Lady’s purse.

Brooke: The line from that movie. The bad one. Anyway, I’m going after the Valedictorian.
Lady: I’m going to complain to your manager.
Maggie: Excuse me, ma’am? Did you order a pizza?
Lady: Oh, yes!
Maggie: Hi, I’m the Pizza Girl. I’m new. Is this your purse?
Lady (taking the purse): Yes it is! Oh, you found it!
Maggie: I found the wallet as well, but unfortunately they took all the important things. Credit cards, cash. (takes a business card out of her pocket) Here, just in case you don’t have the numbers on-hand, here are all the customer service numbers for all the major credit card companies. Are you feeling alright?
Lady: Yes, I’m fine. Why? Do I look bad?
Maggie: No, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I can walk you to your destination if you need.
Lady: No, no, I – look, they didn’t take my car keys! I should be fine. Thank you so much.
Maggie: I know how you feel. I’ve been in…a similar situation before. You can feel free to call our phone number if you ever feel uncertain. I’ve only been doing this job for two days, and most of my jobs have been escorting people home.
Lady: I feel better already. Thank you so much (reads her nametag) Maggie.
Maggie: You have a good day, ma’am.
Lady: You too. Thank you!

Lady exits.

Brooke: Alright, Maggie! You and me, we’ll track down the Valedictorian and Robster together!
Maggie: What, why?
Brooke: We’re superheroes, that’s what we do! We’ll dole out some justice (punches the air)
Maggie: But justice has been served. She got her purse back.
Brooke: That’s not how justice works.
Maggie: She left happy. Maybe not happy, but you know what I mean.
Brooke: No, no, this needs to stop! This isn’t working. Good can’t just keep coming in and mopping up after Evil has done its work. Good is more than just “not evil.” Good isn’t just reactive. It should be proactive. It should stop Evil before it starts.
Maggie: Do you know where they went?
Brooke: No. That’s why we track them! We’ll start by looking in the place where you found the purse and then fan out from there.
Maggie: I…I wasn’t trained for this.
Brooke: Come on!
Maggie: I don’t see any reason why not.

We are taking full advantage of the space we have and they continue this conversation into the audience, looking around.

Maggie: So this is where I found the purse.

There is trash there.

Brooke: Ewwww.
Maggie: Yeah, he tried to hide it among the trash.
Brooke: Why did you look there?
Maggie: My purse was stolen when I was visiting Baltimore Harbor a few years back, we found it in a dumpster right next to the parking lot. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to look here before checking in with the customer.
Brooke: The victim!
Maggie: The person. Who took the purse, by the way? Did you ask?
Brooke: The Valedictorian and Robster.
Maggie: Oh. Why were they stealing purses?
Brooke: It’s what they do!
Maggie: I thought they were into kidnapping?
Brooke: They’ve stolen my purse dozens of times.
Maggie: Really? Dozens?
Brooke: Yes!

She is not exaggerating.

Maggie: Wow.
Brooke: And it’s very disruptive, when your purse is always getting stolen! I even tried getting a new purse, but no!
Maggie: Did you ever try getting one of those wallets that just clips onto your belt?
Brooke: I’m sure they would have just taken it right off my belt.
Maggie: Or maybe gotten something that hides under your shirt.
Brooke: That would be paranoid.
Maggie: Okay. Where are we going, anyway? I feel like we’re just walking in circles.
Brooke: I don’t know.
Maggie: Alright. Well. There’s only two ways they could have gone, so, you go that way, and I’ll go this way. We’ll ask around, see if anyone has seen them. They’re a distinctive set, they’ll be noticed. We’ll meet back here in, say, 20 minutes? Or do you have your cell phone on you?

Brooke takes out her cell phone.

Maggie: Okay, awesome, let’s just exchange numbers then, and give each other a call if we find anything.

They exchange phones and start entering their information into each other’s contacts.

Brooke: This way we won’t have to double back.
Maggie: Exactly.

They give their phones back to each other.

Brooke: I’ll see you soon then.
Maggie: See you soon.

They separate.

Maggie (to herself): Okay, where’s a good place to get lunch?

Maggie exits.

Brooke walks among the audience, asking them if they’ve seen the Valedictorian and Robster. She then exits, based either on what they have to say or she exits of her own accord.

Though the truth may vary this   1 comment

During my Week Without a Phone, I received a phone call from one of the Starbucks I had applied to. I obviously missed the call, but when I got my new phone —

behold

behold

–I was able to get all the voicemails. I missed at least 5 calls.

So I called the Starbucks this morning. I introduced myself to the manager.

“What’s your availability?” she asked.

“I have open availability,” I said.

“Do you have any plans?”

Assuming she wanted me to come in for an interview, I said, “I’m available today, Thursday, and Friday.”

“That’s your only availability every week?”

“Well no,” I said, feeling confused, since I had just said I had open availability. “I have open availability.”

“Right, and you don’t have anything else to take up your time?”

“I’m thinking about going back to school, but I don’t know what the class schedules around here are yet.”

“Well then, why don’t you call me back when you do know when you’re going to be available.”

I thought quickly, wanting to recover the conversation. “When would you like for me to get back to you with that information?”

“I don’t know, sometime next week. Or maybe April. Do you have anything else?”

“No,” I said.

“Okay then, have a good day.”

I puzzled over my Colosseum puzzle. I reran the conversation in my head. I thought that maybe if the manager acted like that, I maybe wouldn’t want the job anyway.

Twenty minutes later, my phone rang. It was the same manager. She gave a full introduction of herself this time. She asked what I thought made me qualified for the barista position (I have literally been a barista before). She asked what I do for Harris Teeter and if I have other customer service experience. This was a question I was prepared to answer; I gave a basic rundown of my last four years of work, emphasizing the customer service experience. She asked about my availability.

Hadn’t we been through this before?

“I have open availability,” I said.

She went into an explanation of shift times for Starbucks; was I able to come in at 5:00 AM? Would I be able to work evening shifts? She asked more and more questions about this, pressing more and more on the 5:00 question. She eventually explained that she was trying to hire full-time worked for the morning shifts. I said that as long as the hours were consistent (always working morning or always working evening) that I could do it.

So I have an interview at noon on Thursday.

After the phone call ended, I wasn’t really sure what to think. I had just had two very different phone calls with the same person.

On one hand, Starbucks would probably pay me better than what I make at Harris Teeter; I would work with a team of people instead of doing it by myself; it would be work I had done before and felt comfortable with; Starbucks has a tuition-paying program so I could go back to school in January (with no limit on what courses it covers, unlike most retail tuition-assistance programs). If I worked only morning shifts, I would have time in the evenings to pursue outside activities, like theatre, gaming, school, volunteering, or a movie-watching club (there are some of those on meetup). Also: free Chai Tea Lattes.

On the other hand, this would be just another “settling” job, rather than a job I was truly interested in; the manager was potentially insane; I’m not interested in being a job-hopper. I want one job and I want to stick with it for a good long while.

With this on my mind, I drove around Raleigh for a bit, trying to find someone to donate my garbage bag of teddy bears to. My immediate thought was police and fire station, so I visited the Morrisville town hall, but neither service would take them. They only accept toys in their original wrapping. Teddy bears don’t come in wrapping, but whatever. I just ended up driving it to the Raleigh Rescue Mission on the east side of town. I thought about writing. Mostly I thought about Ghost Hunters, even though I only have 18 days left in my self-created deadline for The Adventures of Pizza Boy and Maggie.

When I got home, James was clearly dressed to go on a walk, so he and I went on a walk. I told him about the two phone calls with my potential new manager. I told him about my concerns. He didn’t have much to say beyond that I was correct to be hesitant.

I found a new path into the woods behind our apartment complex. James refused to follow me in. I managed to pick my way across the creek and turned around to shout in triumph, but he had walked away. I crossed back over the creek and found him sitting by the pond.

“I looked for you but you weren’t there,” I said. “Are you mad at me?” This is always my go-to assumption for some reason.

“No, I just didn’t feel like slipping and falling into the creek,” he said. He pointed at nearby geese and said, “I wonder how close you can get to them?”

I stayed far back because I’m scared of geese. James walked slowly, crossing closer and closer to the geese until he was maybe four feet from one of them. It honked gently at him. He honked gently back. He squatted down and stared at it. I watched the two of them eye each other. Behind them was the creek, brightly colored in the late afternoon light. I told myself I would remember this moment forever.

Posted March 11, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

Tagged with , , , , ,

I will never give her inventions clever names, they will always be The Machine   Leave a comment

Valedictorian: Do you know what this machine does, Maggie?
Maggie: No?
Valedictorian: Did you know that the human body is the perfect conduit for quantum energy, Maggie?
Maggie: No?
Valedictorian: Well I did! And if my calculations are correct (and they are, because I am the Valedictorian, the smartest person in my graduating class), then once this machine is turned on, I will have all the energy I need to destroy the White House! But you won’t be around for all that! You will be the first meal for my machine! No matter. It’s only a pity that you won’t see the anarchy, and your beloved Washington D.C. burning to ashes!

This exchange always bothered me. Even when I first wrote it. Even when I sent it off to Sterling Playmakers for consideration in their one-act play. Even as the wonderful Sara Gray and Leandra Lynn memorized it and performed it with proper hamminess. I just…always hated it. For the first several drafts, this exchange was simply [mad science]

Part of the reason I hate it is for the same reason The Matrix doesn’t work: humans are a terrible conductor of energy. I knew it then. I know it now. But the Machine had to be deadly. Just, like, lethal, all the time, for sciencey purposes.

Now I’ve written several plays, some with Valedictorian, all with Maggie in them. I have a much better sense of the characters. The Valedictorian is driven by a need to control everything, and also she needs funding, desperately. She’s callous and immoral and doesn’t really care who lives and who dies, except that she would prefer to live (and maybe Robster can live too). The Valedictorian that I know wouldn’t actively try to kill someone. That would be a waste of everyone’s time.

The problem is that I love this exchange so much:

Valedictorian: It’s 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Or is it 1400? I always forget.
Rob: I think 1400 is from that Simpsons episode where Lisa was the President.
Valedictorian: Really?
Rob: I think. Now you have me confused.

This makes me giggle even years after I’ve written it. I can’t even explain why. There are funnier lines. There are more clever exchanges. I don’t even think this got a laugh when it was performed. But I can’t make myself get rid of it. And because I can’t get rid of it, I’m stuck with the terrible mad science above. Without that dialogue, Valedictorian and Robster have no reason to remember the address for the White House.

…Unless the Valedictorian wants to try to exchange brains with the President and needs to make sure that the Machine works without killing either subject?

Oh man that could totally work.

I still remember when I first posted about lizards on this blog and my professor showed it in class   1 comment

Sonny had a very exciting day yesterday! After months and months of brumating, he was finally perky enough that I decided to take him out for the day (“perky” being a relative term for a bearded dragon — he was keeping his head up most of the day).

James saw a “no exotic pets” note on the lease, and had been concerned that our new apartment complex wouldn’t allow bearded dragons. When he called up the leasing office, though, all the staff demanded to meet our glorified pieces of furniture, so that was settled. Sonny got to run around and do some human business with Mom for a while. He likes being in the car.

First Sonny visited our current leasing office. He sat on my shoulder while I signed our 60 day notice. The leasing manager didn’t even seem to notice him.

Then Sonny got to sit in the warm car for a good long while as I bought gas* and then drove to our new apartment complex. Or should I say townhouse complex, because we’re getting a toooowwwwnnhooooouuuussssee.

The leasing agent greeted me as nicely and professionally as she had done before, and then she noticed Sonny sitting on my shoulder. She went nuts. She went nuts over how tiny he is. She went crazy over his harness. She picked him up and tried to put him on her shoulder, but he settled more comfortably on her boobs, which made her laugh. Then she brought Sonny and I into the leasing manager’s office. The leasing manager was talking with a maintenance guy. As soon as Sonny was there, though, the conversation immediately switched to borrowing Sonny for a prank on one of the residents. They all cooed over Sonny and asked about the proper way to pet him. The maintenance guy asked me questions about how old he is and how long he is and stuff like that.

Sonny was perfect and sat still and took in all the attention. He sat patiently on my lap while I went and signed the lease. The townhouse is now ours!

Because he was so good, I took him to Petsmart afterwards and got him 20 crickets instead of 10. I probably would have gotten him 20 anyway. He’s looking a little skinny after a long brumation. Time to fatten him up for spring!

*I stepped in a small puddle of what I assume was gas, and then had to do a little dance to try to get as much of it off my shoe as possible. Now I’m scared to wear those shoes.

Posted March 3, 2015 by agentksilver in Lizard

Tagged with , , , , ,