Archive for the ‘depression’ Tag

I used the same stupid name for two blog entries in a row, what was wrong with me   Leave a comment

Dad called me while I was at work yesterday. He didn’t leave a message, which is unusual for him. I called him back after I got off work. Apparently he had been talking to a coworker whose daughter graduated from Potomac Falls in 2006. He couldn’t remember when I graduated, so he had called to ask. I told him that I graduated in 2005.

“I could have done the math on that,” he said.

“That was ten years ago,” I said.

It’s been ten years since I graduated high school.

“Your ten-year high school reunion must be coming up soon,” said Dad.

“Yeah, I got invited on facebook, but it looked like it was being run by one group of friends that I didn’t really talk with, so it didn’t seem like it was worth the effort,” I said.

Ten years, man. I went to my old livejournal to see what I had been thinking about ten years ago.

November 15, 2005
Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

I just posted Shakespeare in 15 minutes on my blog if you want to look at it. It’s inspired by Cleolinda (movies in 15 minutes). You can see the connection.


Listening to music, putting off homework, thinking about getting dinner. Life is beautiful.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music:Reliant K’s “Two Left’s Don’t Make A Right…But Three Do”

I hovered over the “blog” link. It’s a link to my myspace profile. Look at that thing. I’m writing towards an audience that lives in Virginia. I was apparently happy at Loras for a bit. My goodness.

Today’s ten-year-ago-today livejournal entries were more interesting.

November 16, 2005
11:43 am

Preparing to do my Math homework, and I was looking for music to listen to whilst being a responsible student (I can’t think without music). I decided to listen to the Flaming Lips…but I couldn’t find it. I looked in my CD book, in my pile of CDs, in my bag, no Flaming Lips. Finally, I got a stroke of inspiration, and looked in the CD book of the Flaming Lips. Lo and behold, there it was. And some people call me smart, too.
Current Mood: good
Current Music:Flaming Lips “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots”

4:16 pm
Sitting there on a group project, listening to the two other kids in my group, and all the sudden I find myself thinking, “Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?” And then there was lightning and thunder and I was cackling maniacally and my eyes were glowing and I had power in my fingertips and I destroyed the school and got my creative writing degree and then hid in the shadows and plotted to destroy all the heroes in the world with my superior mind and powers alone.

So, yeah, I was really, really bored.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music:Weezer’s Make Believe

9:11 pm
Paper Writing!
I DON’T KNOW! Why didn’t I write this paper earlier, when I had like energy and time and the ability to workshop it? It has to be perfect in twelve hours and 49 minutes and it’s absolute crap! AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
Current Mood: drained
Current Music:Barenaked Ladies’ “Stunt”

Oh, that one had a comment, from the lovely Laura Kay!

yay for last-minute paper-writing
i tend to do my best work in the last 8 hours or so
procrastination is the key
you can do it
good luck!!!

Here’s what I’ve learned from this:

-I was the most boring, typical 18-year-old that ever existed.
-No wonder I hate(d) myself
-Will I hate 28-year-old me when I am 38?
-Am I the most boring, typical 28-year-old now?
-I wrote with my Virginia friends in mind when my Iowa friends were the ones reading and responding to my entries. I hadn’t realized that my life had moved on. Is it the same way now?

I took a break from addressing envelopes for the wedding in order to write this. Cornelius is napping next to me. Today I slept in until noon. I wasn’t tired. I was very comfortable. I couldn’t get up. Maybe because I was comfortable. Maybe because my mind is broken. I spent most of today feeling anxious for no reason.

I was an 18-year-old who ran halfway across the country because she knew she wasn’t happy, but couldn’t admit that it was what was inside that was making her unhappy. I’ve run an entire state away from everything I ever knew to make another chance. Because I had found happiness at home, but not satisfaction. I need to find happiness somewhere else. With a man that loves me somehow. With a cat that won’t.

Posted November 17, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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Updates updates   Leave a comment

1) I have an appointment for this Thursday with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist
2) I have an appointment the following Wednesday with my primary care doctor

The laundry is still where it is. I will eventually pick it up.

I was considering auditioning for a play next week. I was looking forward to the audition. I love and miss theatre, and it would be a good opportunity for me to meet new people. I did as well as I was in 2013/2014 because I was surrounded by loving family and friends, and it’s easy to forget how upset you are when you’re surrounded by love. But I was distracted, I think. Even when I was talking about it to my doctor, I told her about my annual March breakdowns and she said that was still the same depression, still omnipresent.

I’m having something similar to my March breakdown. So I’ll be fine soon.

Anyway, I decided not to audition because:

1) I’m in one D&D campaign and running another one (speaking of which, I’ve missed two updates! I need to do that soon)
2) I’m planning a wedding
3) I work closing shifts several days a week

Especially with Point #3, I just don’t think theatre is realistic for me right now. Ah well. I’ll live. I’m applying to UNC soon. That’ll be fun. And I’m distracting myself more and more with dollhouse room layouts. Stairs are complicating everything. Complications are good.

Posted August 1, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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A good day   Leave a comment

There’s an ever-increasing pile of laundry at the foot of my end of the bed. It started out small, just a few pieces of underwear and socks, remnants of a few days. It’s growing bigger and bigger, as each week goes by and James does more and more laundry, and I continue to not put it away. I know I should put it away. Every time I see it I think about putting it away. But that would take minutes. Several minutes. Minutes that could be spent on other things, like hiding under a blanket and feeling terrible.

Depression is an obsession turned inwards. Some people are obsessed and begin collecting, like that one former neighbor of James. Or they are obsessed with a certain ritual, like washing their hands or passing a threshold a certain way. Sometimes they are obsessed with a person, like that one lady who was an extra in that zombie film I was in. She was obsessed with Marilyn Manson.

When I was nine years old, I was sitting in the living room after school watching cartoons. Suddenly something went off. It was like a lightbulb in my head or something. I can’t get rid of it. For nineteen years now.

the thing

I’ll sit there and I have to flick my eyes like that. Four to the right, two to the left, three down, two up. And of course if you flick your eyes one way to have to flick it back and so you have to start the whole process over again. It hurts if you don’t. I don’t know what exactly hurts. I have to do it physically too. Even as I’m typing this I have to twitch my pinkies if I feel off-balance. If I type too much with my left hand or something, I have to twitch my right pinkie four times to fix it.

To be honest I have never, ever talked about this because I feel it is genuinely something insane about me.

But depression is an obsession with feeling negative about yourself. So this pile of laundry grows (waves her thumbs four and two) and I won’t do anything about it (twitches her thumb knuckles three and two) and I won’t do anything about it. Maybe because I need to feel bad about myself. Every time I look at that pile of laundry, I think, aha, look, there’s proof that you’re terrible, you won’t even put your laundry away. Like my mind feeds on that negativity. (four and two, four and two, four and four) (one two three)

Sometimes lately I’ll be working and all the sudden the thought will pop into my head: Aren’t you tired? Yes, I am tired. All the sudden I’ll feel absolutely exhausted and I’ll literally sigh out loud from how tired I feel all the sudden.

There was a list of things I was going to do today:

1) Work from 6:30-12:15
2) Take a shower
3) Eat lunch
4) Refill prescription
5) Call doctor, confirm time with therapist
6) Read, take a nap
7) Work from 5:00-10:00

Today I:

1) Worked from 6:30-11:45
2) Ate lunch
3) Paid student loan
4) Took a shower
5) Read
6) Worked from 5:00-10:00

Today was a good day nonetheless. I think because I read in the middle of it. A good day.

(pokes to the right four times)

(flicks thumb down three, right four)

It is lovely to get messages from people saying that they love me but really the problem is that I’m having trouble loving myself. I should start by putting away that pile of laundry. Tomorrow though. Tomorrow I will put away that laundry.

Posted July 31, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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Brian Wilson is my spirit animal   Leave a comment

Today I was working the window at Starbucks. As a guy was waiting for his drink, he said, “I was cleaning out my other car, and I found this old mixtape from high school. Do you want to hear?”

There was absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t, so I leaned over to listen to the first song. The first chords started playing over his stereo. It was acoustic.

Drove downtown in the rain
Nine-thirty on a Tuesday night,
Just to check out the late-night
Record shop.
Call it impulsive
Call it compulsive,
Call it insane;
But when I’m surrounded
I just can’t

It’s a matter of instinct
It’s a matter of conditioning
It’s a matter of fact.

“I know this song,” I said.

You can call me Pavlov’s
Ring a bell and I’ll salivate,
How’d you like that?
Dr. Landy tell me
You’re not just a pedagogue

“It’s Barenaked Ladies, I can tell that much,” said the guy.

“My favorite band,” I said.

We finally got to the refrain.

‘Cause right now I’m

Lying in bed
Just like Brian Wilson did
Well I am
Lying in bed
Just like Brian Wilson did.

So I’m lying here
Just staring at the ceiling tiles,
And I’m thinking about
Oh what to think about.

Brian Wilson. A great song. The guy’s drink appeared; I handed it off and we waved each other goodbye.

As I drove home tonight, I turned on NPR and listened to an interview with Brian Poulad, the director of a biopic for Brian Wilson, entitled Love and Mercy. It was vaguely interesting. I’m kind of considering getting back into watching movies. Anyway, they ended the interview with this quote:

After everything we’ve gone through in the movie at that point, we see the real Brian performing, what he really looks like at that time, and that he came out of this — not unscathed, but he came out of it. And he’s the last one standing, it turns out; unfortunately, both of his brothers died, and he’s still there. The most fragile one, for some reason, has survived all this and is still out there performing.

Posted June 4, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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I haven’t posted in a month! It’s been a very busy month.

-James and I moved to a townhouse! We’ve been here for ten days now, and it’s been great. We have so much space. We can fit all of our furniture here. The most difficult part was getting the kitchen fixed up. We hadn’t realized how little storage this place has, so we had to buy a bunch of shelves.


They’re filled with dishes. The cabinets are full of food. Everything seems laid out nicely now!

-Every time I sit down to start a blog entry, I started writing fiction instead. Which is good. Except for the fact that I went a month without updating. Will my future children want to look at this blog and see what all of my thoughts were when their father and I were moving? (no)

-We bought a wedding dress! It is beautiful! Now I have to pick a printer for the Save-the-Dates and start working with my Ladies to pick out their dresses. The process of picking out the dress could be the fodder of so many blog entries, but, alas, that stuff has to be secret.

-I finally sought help for my depression. I visited an independent doctor (hard to find in this area, the intersection of UNC and Duke). My doctor introduced herself and explained the concept of the clinic (less patients, more time with each patient). We went through all the symptoms of anxiety and depression, and yes: I have anxiety and depression. Not a severe case, but definitely a case. So she prescribed regular exercise, medication, and visiting a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist.

Something I was surprised to learn: my tendency to not want to get out of bed is a fairly common sign of depression. My tendency to not want to leave my car when I get to my destination? My inability to get off the couch when I’m hungry or have to pee and want to get up, but can’t? That is exactly the same symptom. Who knew?

Doctors. Doctors knew.

-Look at this writing though:

Asking about any sort of magic would look suspicious, and for days Martha was held up by not knowing how to proceed. In her twenty-two years of governing, she had never had a problem like this before. She turned the question over in her mind. She would be tickling Lily and start wondering if the local laundry girls would know anything. Hyacinth would take her two girls out for walks and would start making sniping statements, but Martha would be wondering if the local coven had some sort of signal to signify a meeting, and if so, what could it be?

The answer came rather undramatically. Lily woke up one morning red in the face, coughing, and hot as an oven. Martha and Dawn worried over Lily while waiting for the physician. For a while Martha forgot about the frog and the witches.

The physician explained it was just a sort of generic fever. He prescribed fluids, and stated that the room be kept as hot as possible to help the fever along. They were to summon him if the fever became any worse.

As he left the bedroom, he paused by Froggy.

“Has this been attracting bugs?” he asked.

“No,” said Martha. “But look.”

She tore off a small piece of bread from Lily’s bedside and put it in front of Froggy. Froggy considered the bread, then snatched it up. “He won’t eat bugs,” she added.

“Interesting,” said the physician quietly. “Have you consulted the Sisters?”

“I haven’t consulted anyone,” Martha whispered.

“The sisters meet at the full moon where the tributary meets the river,” said the physician. “Speak of this to no one.” Dawn and handmaiden entered the apartment. The physician said, louder, “Keep me informed on your girl’s condition, and make sure she stays in bed. Little girls get antsy after too much rest.”

“I’ll keep you informed,” said Martha.

“On the girl,” said the physician.

Martha smiled and curtsied.

I am a terrible writer. Just the worst. I don’t want to be blunt. I want to be light. I want to be like Jane Austen. I want to write sentences backwards just to point fun at social conventions. Believe it or not (especially given this example), my main writing strength is in dialogue. I couldn’t think of a way to get all this information across lightly.

So I’ve had to step back from wanting to write well and convince myself to just write. It might help that I joined a writer’s circle. They gave me a lot of good advice on improving a scene I’ve been struggling with in Pizza Boy and Maggie.

Posted May 21, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal, writing

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Too sleepy to think of a title   Leave a comment

Some great quotes I’ve encountered recently:

Leisure without literature is death — Seneca the Younger
I can conceive of no greater mistake, more disastrous in the end to religion if not to society…than of trying to make charity do the work of justiceWilliam Jewett Tucker, as quoted by Deborah Cadbury in her book Chocolate Wars
In the end, it’s just water and beans — Meagan, my new manager (isn’t everything, though)

Linus: I have to go to work at 3:00 in the morning.
Matt: You’re one to complain! You’re chugging down all that coffee.
Linus: It’s decaf. I never drink caffeine.
Kelsey: You know that decaf still has caffeine though, right? Starbucks decaf has about as much caffeine as a regular coffee at McDonald’s.
Linus, Matt, James: Ohhhhhhhhh
Matt: Some real brand loyalty there!

So I got a new job at Starbucks. Between training at 5:00 at Starbucks, and working nine-hour shifts at Harris Teeter, I am absolutely exhausted. James pointed out that I’m “too tired to be depressed” and thus my current state is a mixed blessing. The last few days, I’ve showered as soon as I’ve gotten home, then eaten dinner, then read until I fell asleep on the couch.

I don’t want anyone to think I’ve disappeared off the face of the earth, especially given my last few posts. I want you guys to know that I am tired but optimistic.

Posted March 20, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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So what else is new   Leave a comment

Depression is an actual illness. I know this, because I am depressed. I know how cyclical it is. March is always the worst month. I can compare it to the other times of the year that I relapse. I know how it goes. March is always terrible.

Last March wasn’t so bad. I had things to do. I would just come home from doing them and then cry under my covers for a few hours and then fall asleep. This March, I can’t seem to get out of bed. I got home early today, and then I tried my hardest to be a functioning adult. James helped. I even went out to try to get a haircut. But I had to make an appointment instead. And all the effort of functioning, I just got worn out. I got home and collapsed into bed. All my nerve endings were telling my brain that I was exhausted, but lying down provided no relief. But I didn’t want to move. James had to make me get out of bed again.

And then, an hour later, it was all gone. I felt fine again. The thought of eating made me sick to my stomach, but I had no trouble walking around and making faces at the mirror (this is how I spend 80% of my alone time). I did eventually eat some mac & cheese and watch Samurai Jack. Then I started writing.

It was like…when you’re sick with a really bad cold, sometimes you just have a coughing fit or a sneezing fit or you just have to lie down and take a nap. And then it passes, and you’re able to function almost normally for a little while. Depression is really an illness. When your stomach produces too much acid, you have acid reflux disease. When your kidneys make too much calcium, you get kidney stones. When your body produces too many white blood cells, you have leukemia. When your body doesn’t produce enough serotonin, you become depressed.

I mean, that’s oversimplifying things a bit. I am way under-socialized and overstressed at my job. That is probably the cause of my negative introspection that is causing my seratonin production to go on the spritz. But it’s also cyclical. It’s kind of a relief, to finally get that this isn’t a failing on my part, but just a symptom of an illness.

I made some changes to my health insurance coverage, so I can’t seek treatment until April. If previous years are anything to go by, I should be feeling better by mid-April anyway. Of course, I still have to deal with the fact that I can’t get out of bed.

Posted March 17, 2015 by agentksilver in Personal

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