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The Adventures of Pizza Boy and Maggie: Restaurant Scene   Leave a comment

This scene gets rewritten so many times in my head I swear. This is what I have so far.

It’s finally Trivia Night and Emily has finally arrived. She is sitting at a table set for three, looking around eagerly. There should be other patrons at the bar, including Kurt Gallagher. Emily is very excited for all sorts of reasons. Maggie enters and sits at the table.

Maggie: It was kind of a slow night at Cheezy Pizza, so they showed me how to make a pizza! I made a pizza! People ate a thing I made! They paid for it! I need your opinion on something. Should Pizza Girl have a pizza paddle as a weapon? I mean, I know I’m a delivery girl, not a pizza chef, but I felt so bangin’. It was like a weapon. I should have a weapon. What do you think?
Emily: Are you trying to be the same as Pizza Boy, or do you want to be your own person?
Maggie: That’s the real question, isn’t it?
Emily: I can’t help you. You have to decide for yourself. Also, I have news.
Maggie: I know, I heard they cast Heat Shield.

This is not Emily’s news, but she is excited about it nonetheless.

Emily: And she looks so much like Heat Shield!
Maggie: I don’t think she looks like Heath Shield.
Emily: What do you mean? She looks so much like her. In the face. I saw on tumblr, they compared various angles of her face to different comic panels and it’s like line for line legit. It’s amazing.
Maggie: She’s a model. She’s really skinny. That’s one of the things I like about Heat Shield, she has the thick thighs and arms. She looks powerful. She looks capable of carrying around life-saving equipment. But the actress, whatever her name is, she looks like a twig. I could break her in two.
Emily: Well they cast her for looks. She can put on muscle.

Kurt returns to the table, carrying three drinks. He distributes them on the table.

Kurt: You must be Maggie! I brought you a Sprite.
Maggie: Oh, thanks. Hey, when you have a second, can you bring me a menu?

Kurt and Emily exchange a look. Kurt laughs and sits down at the third seat.

Kurt: I was a waiter all through college, I guess I do give off that waiter-y vibe.

Kurt is Emily’s big news.

Emily: Maggie, this is Kurt. We met today at the student union. He just walked right up to me and said hi!
Kurt: Hi.
Maggie: Hello.
Kurt: The service here is atrocious.
Emily: I think just because it’s trivia night. There must be a lot more people here than-
Kurt: So I just got our drinks from the bar.

Emily gives Maggie a big grin. Maggie already doesn’t like him, but puts on a smile.

Maggie: Nice to meet you, Kurt. You graduated from college, huh? What were you doing at the student union?
Kurt: Picking up cute coeds.

He winks at Emily, who swoons, I guess? She reacts in a positive manner? Look, I don’t know how people act okay. I sit alone at my computer underneath a blanket and write things and sometimes I crawl out and make pizza. I do not know how people who are infatuated act. She does a thing that infatuated people do.

Maggie: I see. What else do you do?
Kurt: Oh, I’m a writer. I know that Emily here is a blogger. What do you like to do?
Maggie: I’m a linguistics major.
Kurt: Yes, and is there anything else that you do when you’re not in class?
Maggie: Well obviously I hang out with Emily. We’ve been planning trivia night for months, did you know that you’re the third person we’ve invited to these?
Emily: And speaking of which, we should pick out our team name. I was thinking about going with our initials. MEK. Or KEM.
Maggie: Mecha.
Emily: I like it. Mecha Pilots.
Kurt: I don’t get it. Mecha?
Maggie: It’s a pretty basic anime concept.
Emily: It’s like human-shaped spaceships so you can have giant space battles but maneuver more instinctively. They showed it in District Nine and Pacific Rim.
Maggie: Excellent movies.
Emily: Indeed. So I was thinking that you probably want pickle chips, and I know I want buffalo wings, so maybe each of us can get our own appetizer and I don’t think we’ll need entrees, what do you think?
Maggie: I don’t think I’ll be satisfied with just pickle chips.
Emily: Oh, so maybe dessert? Let’s see what desserts they have.
Kurt: Maybe we should get pizza. Do you like pizza?

The way he says it is very suspicious. Maggie stares at him.

Emily: Oh, Maggie works for a pizza place, she’s probably sick of it by now. I love pizza though. Maybe we can split a pizza.
Kurt (fake-surprise): Oh, you work for a pizza place?
Emily: How did you know…?
Kurt: I didn’t. I’m surprised to learn that. How long have you been working there? When did you start delivering pizzas? Do you enjoy it? What made you want to deliver pizzas?
Maggie: She didn’t say that I deliver pizzas. She just said I work there.

Emily and Maggie exchange a very significant look: this guy is very suspicious, should they even be sitting at the same table as him?

This is about the time that I realized the scene was, once again, going in a different direction than I want. But how do I want the scene to end, anyway? I need to brush my teeth and head on out anyway.

The Adventures of Pizza Boy and Maggie: Meeting Brooke   1 comment

Emily: Okay, so, we’re agreed then, the tank is about fifteen feet wide. The water is I’m going to say three feet deep. I think any more and the grizzly won’t be able to move, and any less and the shark isn’t going to be able to swim. It’s a small shark.
Maggie: I still don’t see why it can’t be a polar bear.
Emily: Because it doesn’t matter.
Maggie: No, because polar bears can swim.
Emily: What?
Maggie: Yes.
Emily: No.
Maggie: You showed me, remember, you showed me that video of the polar bear that swam for thousands of miles.
Emily: And then it died!
Maggie: Of starvation! Because we’re killing it!
Emily: Fine. It can be a polar grizzly mix. Those exist.
Maggie: If it doesn’t really matter, then it could be a squid.
Emily: Octosquid!
Maggie: No, a squid, a giant squid, and they can have an epic grapple fight underwater.
Emily: Grapple fight? I hate grapple fights! There’s so many rules.
Maggie: No, it’s just a simple strength test.
Emily: No, there’s dexterity and endurance and-
Maggie: It’s all just strength! How long can you hold on? This isn’t D and D anyway, this is all hypothetical! So you can have this giant shark and this giant squid-
Emily: This is land versus water!
Maggie: Hear me out, so this giant squid and this giant shark are grappling under water, teeth are gnashing…wait, isn’t trivia night in half an hour? How are we getting to trivia night, anyway?
Emily: Oh, Brooke is driving us.
Maggie: Brooke?
Emily: Yeah, Brooke. From my poetry class, remember?
Maggie: Oh, I remember.
Emily: What’s wrong with Brooke? She’s awesome. And she’s smart. And she took History of Sports last semester, so we might actually have a chance of winning this week.
Maggie: She’s just so negative.
Emily: She’s just so negative?
Maggie: She’s just so negative. (at Emily’s look) What?
Emily: I just think you two have a lot in common and she would make a great addition to our group of friends which right now is just the two of us. Just give her a chance.

Maggie sighs.

Emily: Think of the gift card. Think of the fried pickle chips. You love fried pickle chips.

Maggie does love fried pickle chips. But she hates Brooke more than she likes fried pickle chips.

Maggie: Maybe I should just stay home. I have a lot of homework to do. I have to write a paper on Appalachian English, and I haven’t even organized my notes, much less made an outline.
Emily: But you have notes. You spent all night yesterday getting notes. That’s probably more than what most people have.

Emily gets a text message.

Emily: Oh, it’s Brooke. She apologizes for running late (Brooke is not running late and Emily’s reading of the line should indicate that) and she’ll be here in just a few minutes. Cool. (I’ll) Grab your coat, lady?
Maggie: No. I don’t want to go.

Emily is not pleased. Maggie is in the wrong here. She is being immature. But Maggie is afraid of change, and Emily is too happy-go-lucky to confront her.

Emily: I’ll cover for you. But I’m not always going to be able to save you.
Maggie: I know.

Brooke enters, looking stressed and afraid.

Emily: Brooke! Hey, bad news… (sees Brooke’s face) What’s wrong?
Brooke: I just got mugged.
Emily: Oh my god, what happened?
Brooke: This is the second time this week. I think it was the same people, too.
Emily: Oh my god, are you okay?
Maggie: It was the same people?
Brooke: I was just walking to your building to pick you up and they just jumped out of nowhere and she kinda (pretend slaps Emily)and then he grabbed my purse!
Maggie: Did you get a good look at them? Did you call the police?
Brooke: What would be the point? If I reported it, they wouldn’t try to find them. It’s bad publicity if a crime happens on campus so the college would just suppress the report and it wouldn’t go anywhere and I’m just a college kid anyway, I only had like $43 on my card. How am I going to buy a new ID? Do replacement driver’s licenses cost money?
Emily (to Maggie, who actually has a driver’s license, just not a car): Do they cost money?
Maggie: Are you from out of state?
Brooke: Yes! I wish my parents were here. No I don’t, they would yell at me for being so stupid as to get mugged. I’m never going to see that money again. I don’t want to go anywhere ever again. I hate everything.
Emily: We don’t have to go anywhere. We can just order in. We’ll order a pizza. Maggie’s treat.

Maggie glares at Emily.

Brooke: Even my own friends pity me! I am just a failure at life.

Maggie’s glare intensifies.

Emily: Who would win in a fight, a shark or a bear?
Brooke: Who cares? Life is meaningless.

The Adventures of Pizza Boy and Maggie: how I might end the play   Leave a comment

But Valedictorian manages to slip away. She runs away — nearly exits the stage — but runs into Emily, who is just entering. Valedictorian and Emily fall to the floor, both shouting in pain and trying to keep the other down. Maggie joins the fray, giving instructions to Emily, and somehow they all emerge with Maggie and Emily holding Valedictorian up by the shoulders and legs.

Valedictorian: Unhand me! (She continues to struggle, but Maggie and Emily are able to handle it)
Emily: So, do you get paid by the pizza company, or by the city government? I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of a private employee doing a public service.

Maggie and Emily both laugh.

Emily: I’m sorry I yelled at you.
Maggie: I’m sorry I lied to you.
Emily: Friends again?
Maggie: Friends ’til the end.

They start exiting, carrying Valedictorian offstage.

Emily: Birth to earth.
Maggie: Womb to tomb.
Emily: Sisters from another mister.
Maggie: Sisters from another hyster.
Emily: Haha!

Fin.